Monday, November 06, 2006
my day started out fine today. denise painted my nails for me..how sweet right..though its a little messy around the sides but its the thought that counts right?we had dance practice AGAIN.still a lil blur bout the steps la but im catching up..lol.hmm.ya all was fine until i got home.my dad told me to go home myself and i did and in the end i fgot scolded for it. he blamed me and ask why i dont wana call him pick me up at JP blah blah and keep saying i keep coming home late every since i started school and have'nt been seeing me studying recently..the studying part is true la but the coming home late thing is not my fault what.its not that i go out play till 10 11 o'clock right..and im not a little girl anymore..WORSE IS..i tried to "talk " to my mum and tell her jokingly that my friends say im pretty blah blah and she just gave me the look and said: "ya meh.they make you happy only la..i dont believe they said that." i was like..thanks ah MUM. and she added:" you how pretty you ownself know.i'm not saying you're extremely ugly.i'm just saying you're not beautiful." these are the exact words that came from my own mother..one of a kind ya? this is another reason why i dont respect my mum. now i know why all of us have such low self-confidence. all thanks to her. or mayb its jus me she dont find beautiful in her eyes. well, whatever. guess what. i don't give a damn. i'm an ugly piece of shit to her but at least i look beautiful in my bf's eyes and mayb my friends. with them i don't need her. anyways, these are the recent fotos i took=)
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Thursday, Nov 02
finally im writing a post..lol.yesterday was my birthday..yeay.......it was the "best" one ever...since yesterday i realised how many ppl actually cared..cared to even say a happy birthday...guess these ppl are the ones i shld cherish more..i really regret tt i've neglected them thinking tt the grass on the other side is greener..i realised im totally wrong...its looks attracting from far but i realised its just a facade..yesterday was a really horrible day..the most disappointing day..i was left alone myself,ignored..few days prior to my bday i thought i was gna be celebrated..welcomed into sch with many many wishes presents etc...but hell was i wrong...i was huming birthday songs in my head over and over again to myself..cos nobody did.but i was really touched and happy and quite surprised tt even my lecturer Mr. Mak, who is a complete stranger cared to sing me a birthday song on the spot..it may sound really lame and stupid to the rest but they dont know how much i needed tt..an encouragement and sense of pride tt i've made it so far..they just laughed.it just amazed me on how a complete stranger lik me to him would even sing for me despite the embarrasment..it made me think wat are friends for...mayb i dont hav true ones..for the whole day i had to act like nothing happened.even those who knew just watched me "act normal"..i even had to pretend tt it wasnt my day...well, he was right..nobody cares as much bout my bday lik he does..though he didnt sing me a birthday song, he really made my day.he made me forget tt im forgotten by my friends...he made it all better..during lecture my sis mms-ed me a pic of her holding a piece of paper saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"..she bothered to send me tt msg to wish me happy birthday even though she was in austrailia studying her ass off..i almost broke into tears but held it back hoping nobody would see my hurt..i dont mean tt its a responsibility for them to remem my brithday..but i jus feel very hurt very disappointed..i thought i was a somebody to them..but guess im wrong..im just anotheraverage,dull, unattractive, not-worth-the time,the care the concern person to them jus lik they are now to me...but those who wished me, really a big thnk u to u guys...really touched..and the guys from F02..thou u guys can be really corny at ALL times,lol, but really thnk u for the thought...THANK YOU!^^ hmm.other stuff happened today tt really turned me off.....really made me wonder why am i here for...what am i to them...hmm.guess nobody would understand bahh.....i feel left out and incompetent in everything now...i cry to myself almost everyday..thinking what im needed for in this earth for....jus a background figure? i hate myself..mayb im nt pretty enough, not smart enough to be noticed and cared for for them...but im happy and luky and i thank God for him to pick me up whenever i stumble or hit rock bottom..at least i know there's ONE person who really loved and cared for me...thank you darling=)*cher_.